Family

Gay men often say that coming out to parents is more challenging than any other aspect of the coming out process. It is very hard to judge how parents are going to react to your sexuality. There are several things you should take into consideration.

When and where you decide to tell them is important, it's probably not a good idea to announce it at a family dinner party! Your parents may not react well, so try to go somewhere quiet where you can tell them exactly how you have been feeling and that will also give them the opportunity to say how they feel.

You will probably already have rehearsed how you might come out. Be prepared for the unexpected, your parents may have many questions to ask you so it's a good idea to be clear about the information you want to share.

Whatever their reaction, it is best to stay calm and be clear about why you are telling them. This will hopefully enable your parents to see that you are confident and sure of what you are saying.

Here are a few typical things that parents say when their son comes out plus a few suggestions on what you might want to say, from young gay men who have been there:

'Where did we go wrong?'

'You didn't do anything wrong, you have been wonderful parents and have raised a son who wants to be honest with you, who doesn't want to live a lie. A son who wants you to be part of his life.'

'It's just a phase.'

'I have been coming to terms with this for a long time and I know for sure that I am gay and will be for the rest of my life. I hope that after you are able to come to terms with it we can have a better relationship.'

'You just haven't met the right girl yet.'

'I have met lots of girls but I am not attracted to them, I can't change the way I am'

So these are just a few ideas on how to respond to parent's questions. Just remember that the choice to come out is yours, don't be pressured. If you need support there are agencies for young gay men and parents, check out our links page for more information.

You may find that your parents already had an idea that you might be gay. They could be absolutely fine about your sexuality and be very supportive. You can't ever tell how parents are going to react so take it in your stride. If your parents are fine with your sexuality they may still want to meet other parents who are going through similar experiences or they may want to support other parents who may be having a hard time. Again, check our links page for more information.

This article was last reviewed on: 27/10/11
Date due for next review: 27/10/13